I probably won't be online very much for a few days, if I'm even on at all. Well, starting sometime around Monday, that is. The house I'm in right now... I've lived here since I was 7 years old.
A lot of bad things happened here. Terrible, tragic, haunting things that can never be forgotten, no matter how much I try. I had wished for so long that I could leave my Hell that was called my home. It is my home.
Even then, during the most horrible times in my life, it was still my home. A home to be fearful in, a home to be hurt in, a home... that I could never leave. I've always been bound to this house through my past.
I had hoped that I could banish the hateful memories that resounded in these painted walls. I had meant to do so with fresh memories unbound by hurt and tragedy, by trying to make a happy life here. Of course, it could never happen.
I didn't try hard enough to keep this place. Do I ever really try hard to keep the things I believe I need? No, I don't suppose I do. Nevertheless, those who came to this house with hopes of making it work failed in their task. All for the same reason. We will all say at times that we tried harder then the rest in our own ways. It isn't true though. We never did try. We gave up.
So now... now my sister, mother, and I are packing. My mother lives with her fiance 45 minutes away from where we are now. My sister and I will be moving there with her until we can afford to live on our own again. We have to get rid of at least half of the things we own. Which is hard. A lot of the things I have with me are things I've had for almost half of my life now. But I've been resolute in tossing the things I no longer need... and can no longer consider important.
All of my friends live here, in this town and near it. I'll be the farthest away. And I don't expect them to visit me. It's too far, they don't have the time or the resources to come and see me. I can understand that. Not to mention there are few that enjoy the place where I'll soon be living. That's fine. I don't enjoy it much myself.
After my sister and I have settled, I'll begin my search for a job in the new town that I'll be residing in. And as soon as I have enough money to afford an apartment here again... my sister and I will leave.
She can't live up there. She's still in high school and the only school there has requirements that she cannot meet if she wishes to graduate on time. She can do it here though. In fact, she'll be driving nearly an hour every morning to get to school every other week. The weeks in between, she'll be staying with a friend.
I can't live up there. My only link to the outside world is through the few friends that I have. If I'm unable to be around them, I'm not sure that my times of happiness will last long. I'm not a very happy person unless I'm with my friends.
There is too much that needs to be said on this topic. Which is more than I can bear to say.
I'm sure I'll have the internet for another day or two. Well, at least that's what I'm hoping for. I just had to write this while I was still feeling open.